Many business leaders try to keep their personal and professional lives separate. Sometimes, that isn’t possible. Sometimes it is counterproductive, for example, when it comes to uncertainty.
Occasionally, the rules and tips you adopt for your private life apply to what you do at work – budgeting and planning, for example.
I’d argue that another area is relationships.
Relationships
Many of us put a great deal of time and effort into our personal relationships, whether a new partnership or a longstanding marriage.
Relationships take work.
Yet we don’t all put the same energy into caring for our professional relationships. It seems odd, as this is where your income and success are derived from in many cases. A lot of our time is spent at work. So much that it often seems that we see more of those we have a business relationship with than a personal one – colleagues especially.
If there are lessons we can learn to sustain and strengthen our personal relationships, could they be applied to our professional lives?
Dealing with Uncertainty
For even the most self-assured and confident among us, it is impossible to prevent uncertainty from occasionally rearing its head in a relationship.
We question fidelity, love, whether we are attractive to our partner, whether we are compatible, and whether we have the same dreams and goals.
As a result, when uncertainty appears, many people push people away and put up walls. A lack of trust makes them unwilling to expose themselves to uncertainty and potential heartbreak. They’d prefer to walk away or never embark on a relationship than examine from where the uncertainty comes.
Flight is a basic survival instinct. However, it can leave us alone and lonely. Facing up to your insecurities, and addressing the uncertainty, can help you grow as a person and strengthen your relationships.
This is just as true in the office as in the home. At work, when you deal with colleagues, business partners, investors, clients, and suppliers, you form relationships. Occasionally, you will question the nature of these relationships.
Why are they with me? What do they want from this? Are they looking elsewhere? Am I enough for them? Do we share ambitions?
So, if there are tips for dealing with uncertainty in our personal relationships, it makes sense to adapt and adopt them at work. If there are lessons that can make us more relaxed, happier, and fulfilled at home, then we want them in the office too – where so much of your life is spent.
Causes of Uncertainty
Personally and professionally, the feeling of uncertainty begins with fear. It doesn’t have to be rational; it just needs to be acknowledged.
Insecurity, at home and work, is common. We fear being rejected, cheated on, or abandoned. That can be as true with a valued colleague as with a spouse.
Communication is key. Discussing your vision of the future allows you and your partner – or colleague – to see if you are on the same page. Do shared values mean you will grow together? Are your aims aligned?
And stop comparing yourself to others. At work, just as at home, seeing the surface shine of other relationships can make you question your own. Social media posts of a couple smiling at dinner or staff laughing with the boss can make you feel uncertain about your own position. Remember, they don’t tell the whole story and no one, and no relationship, is perfect. Comparing yourself with others is a fool’s errand.
Not Always a Bad Thing
Uncertainty is normal and not always a bad thing. Being reminded of the need to work on relationships rather than being complacent is important.
However, there’s a difference between occasionally questioning a relationship, especially at times of extreme emotion, and feeling like this all the time. A relationship, professional or personal, where you are dogged by a constant feeling of being uncertain – like that star worker who you always feel has one foot out of the door – is unhealthy.
You need to recognise and address why this feeling exists and if it can be fixed.
Use Uncertainty for Good
What can you do when uncertainty seeps into a relationship and you have the deep-routed drive to protect yourself, potentially by walking away?
If it is a relationship we value and want to maintain, then we must begin with understanding. Then we need to work on it.
As I said earlier, relationships take work, both personally and professionally. We need to practice skills such as listening, communication, nurturing, and expressing feelings.
When uncertainty creeps in, these are the skills that will help you cope.
Take time at home and work to understand yourself, your needs, and your feelings. A valuable relationship will help you achieve these. However, time must also be given considering the same for the other person in the relationship.
Do you understand them, their motivations, and their goals? Are you doing enough to listen, support, and enable them? Are they doing enough of the same for you, or is this a one-sided relationship?
As you can see, these simple yet fundamental questions can be applied as readily to uncertainty in a workplace relationship as a personal one.
What to Do
There are a few things I’d suggest you do to address uncertainty in a relationship, in the office or at home.
Firstly, share your fears. Your partner, or colleague, may not realise you are feeling insecure and might welcome the chance to reassure you and communicate openly. It will bring honesty and reality to the conversation, which can dispel fear and allow them to discuss their feelings with you.
Secondly, learn to trust. It is easier said than done, but don’t immediately resort to the worst-case scenario when you feel doubt. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of suspecting ill intent, have faith that they wish only the best for you (or your business).
Next, don’t see revenge as an option. When we feel uncertain and insecure, we feel wounded. It is natural to want to punish whoever made us feel that way. We may, knowingly or subconsciously, punish someone we feel uncertain about by withholding affection or using the silent treatment. At work, we may avoid giving them rewarding jobs, dump unpleasant tasks on them, or alienate them from the group.
This never works. It breeds further mistrust and distance and, inevitably, turns your worse fears into reality. Push someone away and, eventually, they will go – it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Instead of plotting recent for a perceived sleight, emanate nothing but love and acceptance. It brings people closer.
Finally, be fair. How do you want to be treated? Then ensure you treat the other person in the relationship – partner or colleague – the same.
If you feel uncertainty, doubt, anger, or insecurity, they probably do as well. Before expecting them to address your feelings, ask what you are doing to reassure and comfort them. Instead of being demanding, see what you can provide first. Before expecting to feel secure, ask what you are doing to address another’s vulnerabilities.
If we accept that uncertainty in a relationship is normal, we must acknowledge that this is true for both parties.
What About Uncertainty at Work?
Hopefully, you can see how the lessons we need to learn to maintain healthy personal relationships can be applied at work.
Acknowledge there will be times when you feel uncertainty about a working relationship, that they may leave you, court others, or not share your goals. Resist the urge to run away or punish and, instead, open dialogue.
Share your concerns, listen to theirs, find common ground, and introduce understanding. Treat people as you wish to be treated, and accept that they have feelings of doubt and insecurity too. Positive relationships will become stronger and more dependable.
Of course, not all professional relationships work out. Adapting these lessons to work and ensuring open communication will help you identify when a relationship cannot be salvaged. It will allow both parties to move on to healthier places, parting on good terms. Why spend any more time, you or the other person, feeling fear, anger, and doubt when it could be resolved simply by taking?
